Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Pork

Now that the news has spread far and wide about the existence of a purported Gene Simmons sex tape — wherein the tongue-wagging Kiss bassist allegedly gets down with "Elsa," a spokesmodel for something called Frank's Energy Drink — I find myself compelled to ask a number of profound and perhaps philosophically challenging questions about said video artifact. Including:

1) Gene himself claims to have slept with nearly five thousand women, and has by his own account taken polaroid shots of many of them. (I know people who claim to have actually seen the resultant photo albums.) Surely a man of his proclivities would have made home sex videos, as well — so why is this one the first that's ever surfaced?

2) Had anyone actually heard of Frank's Energy Drink before this clip emerged?

3) Is it a mere coincidence that this tape appeared between Gene's shit-canning on Celebrity Apprentice and the upcoming third season of Simmons Family Jewels?

4) Which is more deeply wrong — the fact that Gene keeps his t-shirt on throughout "the act," or the fact that Elsa (if the website preview is anything to go by) is at one point doing the nasty — for this is most nasty, indeed — in a corset and flip-flops?

5) Aren't you glad it's not a RICHARD Simmons sex tape?

Comments

[stu]

The wrongness for me is simply that Dr. Tongue, the most disgusting physical specimen on the earth, made a sex tape.

[Vinnie Park]

I'm glad the guy keeps his shirt on myself. Also, the tape suggests that Dr. Love could use a few dosages of Enzyte.

[Jason]

Hmm...what should I watch before dinner, this or "Faces of Death"?

[Dan E]

Wow, now that IS a puzzler!

[Greg Barbera]

for a man who has bedded so many woman, he sure looks like some 17-year-old doing it for the first time.

[Laura]

T-shirt on? Flip flops in coitus? The Pabst must be there somewheres... However, I'm not going to be the one looking too close.