"Man, I know I left that pineal gland extract around here somewhere..."
Several people have asked me this week what I think about the Mitchell Report; and while my immediate reaction is that I'm too wrapped up in my impending move to a new apartment to care what a bunch of multi-millionaires put in their asses, I must say it's been pretty funny to hear the commentators on XM Radio's MLB channel circling the wagons. "Well, Sen. Mitchell is a credible guy, but how do we know that everything in his report is true?" asked Billy "Fuck Face" Ripken. "I mean, we know Roger Clemens' trainer is a criminal, so why wouldn't he also lie in this case?" Well, maybe because he knows that the truth is already well-documented, and he can save his own ass if he corroborates it further? Nah, that can't be it...
It's been pretty funny to watch Clemens squirm, as well, stating that he should be given the benefit of the doubt "after 25 years of public life". You mean, after very public actions like whipping a broken bat in an obvious fit of "Roid Rage" at Mike Piazza as he ran to first base during the 2000 World Series?
While I've never had any love at all for Clemens, whom I regard as little more than a mercenary meathead, I am a little saddened to see Eric Gagne and Paul LoDuca — two players I loved and rooted for during their seasons with the Dodgers — pop up on Mitchell's list. My friend Chris reminded me of the hilariously cheap radio ads Paulie used to do for Bacchus Energy Drink, and now I'm shocked (SHOCKED, I tell you) by the realization that this obscure Korean-made beverage wasn't the secret of his success after all. As for Gagne, well, he shoulda just retired years ago; every time he came out and shit the bed for the Red Sox this past season, he tarnished my cherished memories of him stomping in from the Dodger bullpen to the tune of "Welcome to the Jungle," while the stadium scoreboards lit up in a psychedelic explosion of disembodied Gagne heads. Good times, regardless of whatever was coursing through his veins.
Frankly, though, I'm not surprised by any of this. Bud Selig and his owner pals turned a blind eye to the specter of doping for years, while Donald Fehr and the Players Union did everything they could to fight off drug testing. And now there's a huge fucking mess to clean up, with more sordid revelations surely to come. As Krusty the Klown would say, "Hey, good luck with that!"
But really, the baseball news of the past week that gave me the biggest chuckle was Alex Rodriguez's announcement that he's signed a management deal with Guy Oseary. Um, dude — if you're trying to shake that effete "Gay-Rod" image, and convince rank-and-file Yankees fans that all you really care about is bringing a World Series championship back to the Bronx, engaging the services of Madonna's manager probably isn't the best move. Look for an A-Rod cameo in Ol' Madge's next video, I guess...
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